Morris was in his office on his lunch break at the giant tobacco firm where he worked. Just as he was taking the last swallow of orange soda he saw a headline in the industry’s weekly newspaper. With one motion he reached across his desk and pounded a button on his intercom.
“Phil!” he said when his friend and business partner answered with a click. “Get in here. You’ve got to see this.”
“Can’t you show me on the computer?” Phil asked.
“No, I can’t show you on the computer. I want to talk to you. This is big, Phil.”
The door to Morris’s office cracked open in a few minutes, and Phil poked his long nose into his friend’s office before letting himself in. “What miraculous conclusion have you reached this time?” he muttered, swiping a fake blow in the direction of Morris’s soda can.
Morris ignored the gesture. “Phil,” he said, cocking his head backwards, “What is the fastest growing segment of the tobacco industry?”
“Is this a quiz?”
“No, it’s a revelation.” Morris picked up the newspaper, folded it so the headline showed clearly, and thrust it at Phil. “Says right here that fruit-flavored cigars are selling faster than any other tobacco product.”
“Morris, my friend, that’s like saying that because you harvest two ears of corn this year instead of one like you did last year that your corn harvest has doubled. We don’t sell very many fruit-flavored cigars. They’re just a novelty item.”
“Maybe so, but they’re sure in a twitter fit about them in Maine. As of July 1 this year the state is banning the sale of all flavored tobacco products.”
“A twitter fit? C’mon, Morris. You’ve got to catch up with your vocabulary. Oh, yeah. I read about that. Only they didn’t write the law quite like that.”
“They didn’t?”
“Nope. They’re only stopping the sale of flavored cigars and cigarettes. Not touching smokeless tobacco or sisha.”
“What’s sisha?”
“It’s the type of tobacco they put in hookahs.”
“What are hookahs?”
“Come on. Those waterpipe contraptions from Egypt.”
“Oh. Well, anyway, I’m just trying to say that we’re going to get bonged on the head for marketing to children.”
“Yeah, you’re right. But we’ve got to provide jobs and income to our workers, and that means we have to sell our product. Whatever it takes.”
“And we’re going to get pummeled for selling cigars to kids because there’s a bigger risk of cancer with cigars, and one cigar can contain as much tobacco as a pack of cigarettes. Phil, we’re already in trouble for our reputation of selling cancer to kids. What’s going to happen to us?”
“Morris, for the seven hundred and thirtieth time, we’re going to keep on selling tobacco, that’s what’s going to happen to us.”
“Yeah, but Phil, I heard that in some states they’re about to pass a law that won’t let anyone sell fewer than five cigars in a package. There goes the 50-cent fruit-flavored cigar. Just like any business, we want lifelong customers. If they don’t find out how great our products are when they’re kids…”
“…Morris, they’re going to find out. Flavored tobacco is going to be a real hit. You just watch. It won’t take the place of lost tobacco sales because of so many people who are quitting, but it will be a big help.”
“I guess so,” Morris grumbled. “I just get queasy in my gut thinking about the little kids who are going to be lighting up.”
“Then go work for an ice cream shop,” Phil said. “See you.” And he slinked out of the office.
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Sources:
Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids
ViewPoint KFVS12, Cape Girardeau, Missouri
Health and Human Services, Maine
Tobacco Control Legal Consortium
Brought to you by Griffith Publishing
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