Watch your language, Morris

(Illustration does not  depict FDA’s new rulings)

Phil and Morris were having one of their customary conversations that nobody else at the giant tobacco company could hear.

“You know what?” Morris said, pulling himself into a full upright position that put his five-feet, seven inch frame at the best advantage. “The attorneys of this country are out to destroy free speech, and durn it Phil, they’re going to do it! And,” he added, pounding a fist on one knee, “we’re going to be destroyed in the process.”   

“We are? How is that going to happen, little brother?” Phil responded.

“I’m not your brother, little or otherwise,” Morris said, “but if you read the newspapers or watch the Web, you should know what I’m talking about.”

“Morris, you know I depend on you to tell me what is new and significant in the world of tobacco. Now tell me what you found out.”

“I think you know all about this, Phil. The new packaging requirements by the FDA. We have to cover half the cigarette package telling people it’ll kill them. That’s violating our free speech! It’s not fair, I tell you!”

“Maybe so,” Phil said slowly,” but did you know why our company supported the new rules?”

Morris rolled off his chair onto the floor and then came to his knees, leaning against the wall. “Our company?” he wailed, his hands grasping at his chest, “Our company is in favor of the FDA forcing us to design our packaging so people will know for sure that the cigarettes they are about to buy are bad for them?”

 ”For good reason,” Phil said. “It’s good for the company.”

Morris shook his head. “No way,” he said. “You’ve gone too far this time. R J Reynolds doesn’t think so. Neither does Lorillard Tobacco. We’re the only ones—”

“The only ones who would rather have the government settle this so we don’t have to keep redesigning our advertising and guessing if it will be okay so we won’t get sued for a billion bucks.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“You’d better, Morris. Remember competition?”

“It’s still there, Phil!”

“That it is. But it’s going to be easier to compete when the government is telling us what to say on our cigarette packages and where to say it rather than waiting for lawsuits to drive it through the court system.”

Morris was silent a very long time for him, twenty seconds in all. “I’ll be switched,” he said. “We’ll all be on the same playing field. People won’t leave Marlboro for Camels because of package design. If they like us they’ll stick it out with us.”

Phil unfolded his legs and stood beside his expansive executive desk while he patted Morris on the head. “That’s just part of the story,” he said. “But keep thinking.”

Submitted by Griffith Publishing

Sources: Forbes, MSN Money

 

Astonishing news about 1 cigarette

Phil was relaxing in his corner office at the huge tobacco plant where he was an executive. He looked out over the campus and absorbed the acres of carefully landscaped grounds. He leaned back further in his executive chair and closed his eyes in blissful reflection when a loud “Bang! Bang!” on the door roused him from his reverie.

“Come on in, Morris!” he called out.

Morris took three strides to Phil’s desk and pounded on it.”Phil!” he said in a hoarse whisper. “We’ve got to stop selling cigarettes!”

Phil soared to the floor and put his face next to Morris’s. “No, we do not,” he said. “We live and work in a free country, and we are not going to stop selling tobacco products.” He leaned back and frowned at Morris. “But what has you so worked up, little brother?”

“I’m not you’re little brother,” Morris fumed. “There’s a new study out about what just one cigarette can do to a young person.”

“How young?”

“Eighteen to thirty. That’s young, Phil.”

“Younger than you, for sure. What did the study find?”

“Well, they tested the arteries of these people, who were all healthy. After one cigarette they found that their arteries were getting stiffer. That means they’re more likely to have a heart attack or stroke.”

“How much stiffer?”

“They measured it, Phil. Twenty-five percent stiffer arteries after just one smoke.”

“That’s incredible.”

“You said it. Phil, we’re selling poison. People who smoke build up more of that sticky plaque stuff that gets in the arteries and slows down the flow of blood. That makes the heart pump harder and faster. You know where that leads: heart attack. Plus there’s lung cancer and dozens of other bad things that happen to people who smoke.”

“What do you suggest we do?” Phil asked, pushing away from his desk.

“I suggest we stop right now. No more cigarettes. Shut down the plant.”

“Morris, Morris, Morris. Even if this huge company suddenly stopped making cigarettes, people wouldn’t stop smoking. You know that. Someone else will fill the gap if we leave, and they’ll walk away with the salaries and the profits we are earning now.”

“And we’d be without a job.”Morris’ voice trailed away.

“Us and a few others. Morris, the tobacco industry provides jobs to 2.3 million people in the United States.”

“Who says so?”

“It was in a study a few years ago by Price-Waterhouse.”

“Yeah. By the tobacco institute owned by Price-Waterhouse. That study was blown apart, and it’s more like 680,000 people whose jobs depend on tobacco.”

“All right,” Phil said. “I’ll give you that. But still, we have to think about the growers and the manufacturers and the users of tobacco. Besides which,” he added, “we have to think about ourselves. If we don’t get paid to make tobacco products, you can be sure someone else will. Are you ready to give your job away?”

“I guess not,” Morris said as he put one hand on the doorknob. “But it’s still poison that’s making us rich. See you later, Phil.”

How about a strawberry smoke?

Morris was in his office on his lunch break at the giant tobacco firm where he worked. Just as he was taking the last swallow of orange soda he saw a headline in the industry’s weekly newspaper. With one motion he reached across his desk and pounded a button on his intercom.

“Phil!” he said when his friend and business partner answered with a click. “Get in here. You’ve got to see this.”

“Can’t you show me on the computer?” Phil asked.

“No, I can’t show you on the computer. I want to talk to you. This is big,  Phil.”

The door to Morris’s office cracked open in a few minutes, and Phil poked his long nose into his friend’s office before letting himself in. “What miraculous conclusion have you reached this time?” he muttered, swiping a fake blow in the direction of Morris’s soda can.

Morris ignored the gesture. “Phil,” he said, cocking his head backwards, “What is the fastest growing segment of the tobacco industry?”

“Is this a quiz?”

“No, it’s a revelation.” Morris picked up the newspaper, folded it so the headline showed clearly, and thrust it at Phil. “Says right here that fruit-flavored cigars are selling faster than any other tobacco product.”

“Morris, my friend, that’s like saying that because you harvest two ears of corn this year instead of one like you did last year that your corn harvest has doubled. We don’t sell very many fruit-flavored cigars. They’re just a novelty item.”

“Maybe so, but they’re sure in a twitter fit about them in Maine. As of July 1 this year the state is banning the sale of all flavored tobacco products.”

“A twitter fit? C’mon, Morris. You’ve got to catch up with your vocabulary. Oh, yeah. I read about that. Only they didn’t write the law quite like that.”

“They didn’t?”

“Nope. They’re only stopping the sale of flavored cigars and cigarettes. Not touching smokeless tobacco or sisha.”

“What’s sisha?”

“It’s the type of tobacco they put in hookahs.”

“What are hookahs?”

“Come on. Those waterpipe contraptions from Egypt.”

“Oh. Well, anyway, I’m just trying to say that we’re going to get bonged on the head for marketing to children.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But we’ve got to provide jobs and income to our workers, and that means we have to sell our product. Whatever it takes.”

“And we’re going to get pummeled for selling cigars to kids because there’s a bigger risk of cancer with cigars, and one cigar can contain as much tobacco as a pack of cigarettes. Phil, we’re already in trouble for our reputation of selling cancer to kids. What’s going to happen to us?”

“Morris, for the seven hundred and thirtieth time, we’re going to keep on selling tobacco, that’s what’s going to happen to us.”

“Yeah, but Phil, I heard that in some states they’re about to pass a law that won’t let anyone sell fewer than five cigars in a package. There goes the 50-cent fruit-flavored cigar. Just like any business, we want lifelong customers. If they don’t find out how great our products are when they’re kids…”

“…Morris, they’re going to find out. Flavored tobacco is going to be a real hit. You just watch. It won’t take the place of lost tobacco sales because of so many people who are quitting, but it will be a big help.”

“I guess so,” Morris grumbled. “I just get queasy in my gut thinking about the little kids who are going to be lighting up.”

“Then go work for an ice cream shop,” Phil said. “See you.” And he slinked out of the office.

=============

Sources:

Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids

ViewPoint KFVS12, Cape Girardeau, Missouri

Health and Human Services, Maine

Tobacco Control Legal Consortium

Brought to you by Griffith Publishing

No worries for Phil and Morris

Back in his corner office at the tobacco manufacturing firm, Morris chomped on his lunchtime meal of ham, cream cheese, Provalone, and an assortment of fresh veggies crushed between two thick slices of french bread. Just as he reached for his giant-sized energy drink, there was a sharp knock on the door and Phil, his friend and business partner, thrust his head in.

“Come on in,” Morris chirped. “What’s up?”

Phil angled his lanky body through the door and closed it behind him. He unfolded a copy of The New York Times and tossed it on Morris’s desk. “Can you believe this?” he said.

Morris stared at the headline. “Wow,” he said, standing up and holding the paper at the end of his nose for a better look.

“Is that good news or what?” Phil asked.

“Great news! We earned over two billion last year. That’s a lot of money. Up twenty percent from the year before. Are we just smart or what?”

“Wait a minute, pal,” Phil said. “That’s not all from tobacco sales. We’re part of Altria now, you know, and we sell food and all sorts of edible stuff.”

Morris hunkered over the numbers on the paper in front of him. “Yeah but,” he said. “It was tobacco that pulled Altria into new territory. Where would they be without us?”

“And look at these numbers,” Phil said, handing Morris another page from The New York Times.

“Cooler than a picnic in Alaska,” Morris purred. “Look at that. Our section of the company, Philip-Morris, earned twice as much the last quarter of 2008 as we did a year ago.”

“Right, pal. They can beat on us all they want. We’re still good.”

“Of course,” Morris added, squirming in his chair, “we do have some profitable food items that count for some of the money we made. We bought General Foods last fall, you know.”

“I know. I’ll dig out all of our tobacco numbers later. But you know what? I think we’ll keep on doing just fine.”

Philip stood up and helped himself out of the office.

Morris to Phil: Finished

Morris and Phil were having their usual after-dinner chat in the boardroom of a large manufacturer of cigarettes.

“Hey, Phil,” Morris said as he pushed a folded newspaper across the table. “Can you believe this?”

“What now?” Phil grumbled. He picked up the newspaper and stared at the headline. He shook his head and thrust the newspaper back towards Morris.

“Come on, Phil. They’ve got us now,” Morris said. “You can see it in the headline. The Supreme Court has given smokers the right to sue us for advertising our low-risk cigarettes. Can you believe that? Our healthiest cigarettes, and they’re up in arms because they don’t like how we’re advertising them.”

“It’s not good news. I agree with you there. But if you look at it closely I think you’ll see that this is a battle over jurisdiction more than a fight to put us out of business.”

“What?”

“Sure, Morris. You see, it’s like this. The Federal Trade Commission has jurisdiction over the tobacco industry. There’s enough advertising freedom in federal laws to run a truckload through any barriers a group of smokers tries to set up.”

“So why this ban?”

“Because one Supreme Court judge was persuaded that they could rule on behalf of the smokers in Maine even though federal law doesn’t approve of that type of control.”

“One judge?”

“Well, the vote was 5 to 4. If one judge had voted ‘no’ instead of ‘yes,’ it would have gone the other way.”

“You don’t think those folks who took us to court want to get rid of us?”

“Morris, people have been trying to get rid of us for years. This ruling hurts, but it won’t put us out of business. Not by a long shot. We’ve got plenty of products, plenty of techniques, and plenty of advertising strategies we can use to pull us through.”

“I’m sure glad you’re part of the team,” Morris said. “Together we’re going to convince more and more people to light up and enjoy the experience.”

“I hope you’re right,” Phil said.

Resources:

Fox News: Supreme Court allows fraud lawsuits in “light” cigarette advertising case

FindLaw: Supreme Court OKs “light” cigarette lawsuits

CNN Money: High Court backs tobacco suit

CNBC: Supreme Court to allow “lights”  cigarette cases

Reducing the urge for nicotine

Phil was quietly reviewing the mail that had accumulated on his desk when he came across a report that stunned him. He reached for the phone and pushed three buttons fast.

“Yes, boss?” Morris said, his head thrusting into the corner office where his friend and co-worker held forth.

“Take a look at this,” Phil said, pushing a couple of pieces of paper across the desk.

Morris picked up the top sheet and sat down. His mouth moved but no sound came out as his eyes traced back and forth on the text in front of him. “Well, I’ll be smoked,” he said. “If that doesn’t beat all! They’re going to go inside the brain to stop people from craving nicotine.”

“Not for a while,” Phil said. “They’re just doing research on mice right now.”

“Mice don’t smoke.”

“No, but they can get themselves addicted to nicotine.”

“With help from the lab guys.”

“Granted, but addicted in any case. What they’ve done is they’ve found a neuropeptide receptor in the brain that makes it possible for a chain reaction to take place that makes mice crave nicotine.”

Morris leaned back. “Phil,” he said, “I’ve told you a thousand times. Smoking is an intellectual activity. Starts right here in the brain.” He tapped his forehead.

“Maybe so, but remember we’re talking about nicotine, not tobacco.”

“So?”

“Well, scientists now have a way of blocking those receptors so that mice that were addicted to nicotine lose their craving. They don’t want nicotine any more.”

“Hmm. That could be bad for us.”

“Not for a while, Morris. It takes a while for these things to surface. But still, we need to think of our future and what we can do to keep a receptor blocker from ruining it.”

“Won’t happen, pal. People love to smoke. They crave nicotine, but they really like the experience of smoking. The smoke, the breathing in, the good feelings. It’s fun to smoke.”

“Thanks, Morris,” Phil said as he put the papers into a folder. “Thanks a lot.”

Source: Molecular Switch in Brain May End Smokers’ Cravings

Presented without cost or obligation or advertising by Griffith Publishing

Crack Nicotine

“Phil, you promised you’d explain exactly how this freebase nicotine helps our business,” Morris said to his friend and business partner Phil after lunch in the company’s huge cafeteria.

“That I did,” Phil said. “That I did.” He carefully stacked all of the paper plates and cups and stepped over to the nearest trash disposal. Then he pulled a fountain pen out of his shirt pocket and began to draw boxes and circles on a paper napkin. “Pay close attention, okay?”

“Sure, boss.” Morris leaned over to see what Phil was drawing.

“Look,” Phil said, stabbing his pen towards a small circle on the napkin. “Let’s say this is nicotine.” Then he drew a much larger circle around the first one. “This is freebase nicotine.”

“It makes nicotine bigger?”

“Sort of. We don’t have to use as much nicotine when it’s freebase.”

“Why?”

“Because the hit from nicotine is more direct, faster, when it’s freebase.”

“How do we make it freebase?” Morris leaned back. “Wait a minute,” he said. “I know how we make freebase nicotine. I saw it on a company tour last month. We mix ammonia with the nicotine.”

“You’re close,” Phil said, “and nobody can stop us because we use ammonia in so many ways.  It’s one of the most common household chemicals.”

“How does it work?”

“Well, Morris. Ammonia acts like a little speed performance machine. When it reacts with nicotine, the two chemicals combine in the smoke of cigarettes, and it zooms into the lungs at breakneck speeds. Faster delivery, faster results, faster return to get more.”

“Oh. That’s what we did with Marlboro cigarettes, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. And we were able to deliver nicotine in a much more healthful way.”

“How is that?”

“Well, the freebase version of nicotine gives a bigger hit fast, so you don’t have to deliver as much tobacco to satisfy the addiction. Can I trust you with a little secret?”

“Sure, boss! You trust me with everything, remember?”

“The secret is that a person who has never smoked a single cigarette, never, can be hooked on our cigarettes after just one cigarette. Even after just one puff.”

“Wow!” Morris said, rubbing his hands on his face. “Just think. We were the first ones to do it.”

“Almost. We’ve been using freebase nicotine since the 1960s and are still adapting new technology so we can adjust the process to our advantage. But most tobacco companies have caught on by now.”

“And it’s still legal?” Morris asked, his eyes widening.

“No way they can stop it, really,” Phil said. “I think they’re starting to measure it and who knows what legislation will come up.”

“Give me some numbers. I want to nail this down,” Morris said.

“Okay. We were able to load 10 to 20 times as much freebase in our cigarettes as our competition. Our sales took off. Marlboro became a world leader in tobacco sales.”

“Wait a minute,” Morris said. “Don’t tell me any more. I want to know what we’ve got that’s new, that will sweep the market the way our freebase nicotine did when we started using it. We have to keep ahead of the competition, you know.”

“Here’s one little toy we’ll be selling soon,” Phil said. He pulled a printed folder out of his pocket and smoothed it open on the table. This is the Accord. No second-hand smoke. Quite the device.”

“Wow,” Morris said. “Tell me about it.”

“Later, Morris. Later.”

–brought to you by Griffith Publishing

Phil and Morris talk about freebase nicotine

Phil was swaggering across the campus of a giant tobacco company when he heard the huff-huff of his friend and business partner, Morris, behind him. He planted his feet and waited for Morris to catch up.

“Phil,” Morris panted. “We’ve got a breakthrough on our hands!”

“Indeed?” said Phil, always the skeptic. “What is it this time?”

“Phil, we don’t need to sell cigarettes at all. It’s the nicotine that works!” He began leaping into the air and landing first on one foot and then the other, apparently to demonstrate how active this revelation was.

Phil put one hand on Morris’s shoulder and held it there until Morris stopped jumping up and down. “Morris, we’ve been on that kick for years. Do you have something new to tell me about serving the tobacco market?”

“It’s the nicotine market,” Morris sputtered. “Phil, wake up. We don’t have to sell tobacco, just nicotine. That’s the addictive part of smoking. So skip smoking altogether and sell nicotine in candy or chewing gum or something.”

“Let me remind you,” Phil said. “There are already several products that have nicotine in them but not tobacco.”

“Like what?”

“Like nicotine gum. Like a nicotine patch. There are even nasal sprays that deliver nicotine to the system.”

“Well, then?”

“Well, then what? Morris, you’d better come up with something fast.”

“Okay. How’s this for fast? We’re going to hype our nicotine a little more to make it more compelling to use…”

“…You mean, more addictive?”

“That’ll work. Then we’ll package and flavor it so it’s delicious, and it will be a best seller.”

“Morris, you need to go back to Tobacco University and take that class on marketing cigarettes. If you’ll think real hard you’ll remember two things about nicotine without tobacco.”

“Two things, eh? Okay.”

“The first is that we use just enough nicotine to trigger the addiction. Too much nicotine can cause all sorts of horrible health problems like revving up  the body’s flight-or-fight system.  Plus it boosts the heart rate, raises blood pressure, and makes blood vessels smaller while causing the heart to put out more blood.”

“So?”

“On that route you’re headed for heart disease and all kinds of problems.”

“Says who?”

“Says plenty of people. LIke Dr. Robert Millman at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center, for one.”

“But no lung cancer.”

“You’re right, there, Morris. If we drown ‘em in nicotine they’ll die from heart disease instead of lung cancer. But there’s another big reason why it won’t work.”

“I’m listening.”

“We lucky people in the tobacco industry are using one of the most incredible delivery systems in the universe. The nicotine in the cigarettes we sell is fast acting because it’s goes straight to the lungs and the blood vessels that form there. That means the smoker gets a high real fast. The feelings go away fast, the the smoker comes back for more.”

“Are you saying that taking nicotine in chewing gum gets to the user slower than the nicotine from smoking tobacco leaves mixed with nicotine in our cigarettes?”

“That’s what I’m saying, Morris. There’s no comparison. Nicotine that is swallowed doesn’t have the same punch.”

“Well, I’ll be smoked.”

“I  do think it would be a good move to start marketing nicotine inhalers. They’ve been on the market for some time. But smoking is such a habit to so many, we have to work with marketing conditions the way they are.”

“With our freebase nicotine, Phil, we can get people hooked with one drag on their first cigarette.”

“Yes, we can. And it’s a whole lot less expensive for us than to start selling pocket-sized nicotine inhalers or nicotine suckers.”

“Good thing we figured out that freebase stuff. Wish I knew how it works.”

“Another time, Morris, another time.”

Broken promises to the American Public

Phil and Morris were walking across the expansive campus of the giant tobacco company where they hold majority stock positions.

“It’s quite a beating they took, isn’t it?” Phil said as he kicked a stone off the sidewalk into the manicured lawn.

“Who? We’re the ones who are losing customers.”

“Yada yada yada. But, Morris, think about this. Exactly ten years ago the Milennium Fund started siphoning money from cigarette sales to the states to help them get people to stop smoking.”

“Oh, yeah. I remember that. Must be quite a sum that the Fund handled since then.”

“Indeed. It’s coming in at about $25 billion for 2008, including tobacco taxes.”

“Wow. Just think what we could do, Phil, with another $25 billion or so to promote our cigarettes.”

“That’s not the point, silly. The point is that this money is supposed to divert profit from our company, but it’s not working.  As far as the anti-smoking folks are concerned, the whole program is useless.”

“Twenty-five billion dollars is useless?” Morris cracked the side of his jaw with his fist. “Twenty-five billion dollars?”

“You’d think the settlement was incentive money to help people smoke more. I find it amusing.”

“Me, too. They must not have put very good hooks into the money that was supposed to help people quit or never start smoking.

“That’s right, buddy. Only three cents of every dollar went to fund programs to help people quit smoking or not start in the first place. Three cents!”

Morris moved his fingers and his lips at the same time. “Giving away $25 billion—with a “B”—to cut the use of nicotine and finding out that only $750,000 was actually used for that purpose. Is anyone getting mad about this?”

“Oh, a few people, but you know what, Morris? Money talks. If everybody quit smoking, think of all the jobs that would be lost.”

“People are paid to smoke?”

“No, silly. People like you and me who work for the tobacco industry.”

“Oh. Anything else?”

“Lots more. Think about the tobacco taxes the states wouldn’t get any more. And don’t forget the investors and marketing people who get plenty of money from our trade. And people who sell our cigarettes in stores and other places.”

“Hmmm. Seems to me there’s a lot of money sitting around that’s not being used.”

“Oh, it’s being used,” Philip said.

“For what?”

“You’ve heard of budget shortfalls?”

“Sure.”

“Well, lots of states just transfer the money from the tobacco settlement to their general fund.”

“And that puts them in the black again.”

“For some of them. You know, Morris, here’s what amazes me the most. The US government has the equivalent of a vaccine for lung cancer and other deadly diseases from the use of tobacco. Not only that. They have plenty of money now to pay for all of the programs and services that are effective in reducing tobacco use significantly.”

“Really? How effective?”

“How’s 50-to-1 for effective?”

“Fifty what?”

“For every dollar the State of California spends on anti-smoking programs, they save fifty dollars in health care costs for people with smoking-related diseases.”

Morris shook his head. “I should be rejoicing,” he said. “Instead, I’m bewildered. I mean, I’m glad we have such a popular product and that you and I are doing so well by putting our lives into the industry, but still. Why don’t people screw their heads on and use the resources available to them? They could easily cut the rate of smoking to 12 percent in two years and probably all the way down to 8 or 10 percent. That would save the country billions of dollars every year.”

“That they could,” Philip responded as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his briefcase. “That they could. But they won’t. I’m betting on it that they won’t.”

“For our sakes, I hope you’re right.”

Source: Ten-Year Report on the MSA (Master Settlement Agreement)

Free from nicotine week after week

Be sure to check out the comments on yesterday’s blog, “Yes, It’s Hard to Quit,” about the Quit and Live smoking cessation program. Quit and Stay Quit Monday sounds like a terrific follow-up program for dealing with the nicotine addiction week after week.

—brought to you by Griffith Publishing